Short Stories

`Tis the Damn Season

The parking lot is empty when I pull up, with only the glowing yellow lights illuminating the empty space of black asphalt, just between the Methodist and the school that used to be ours, Pine Creek High. I pull into a spot just far enough away from the street, so no one driving by would recognize my car if they happened to pass by. 

It’s like that around here – Pine Creek, Ohio. Everyone knows everyone’s business by lunch or breakfast the next morning. One phone call and the city of 300 knows exactly what you’ve been doing…Or who, if you aren’t careful. 

I crank up the heater, not knowing how much longer I’ll be waiting. I’m also in Julian’s old flannel. I’ve held onto it since our last night together about five years ago. It always feels like home, no matter how long it’s been since we’ve talked. This sort of…Rendezvous…Has become our tradition since we graduated college. 

I’m focused on my phone, scrolling through the endless posts and trying to numb my mind. It’s all over the place, overthinking, overreacting and wondering if I’ve made the right choice. I’m so lost in the screen and my thoughts that I don’t see Julian walk up to my car. I only hear the knock that scares me half to death.

“Geez,” I clutch my chest and breathe heavily. “You scared the hell out of me.”

I roll my window down just enough to hear him. 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he apologizes, raising his hands to prove he’s innocent. “I thought you could see me.” 

“It’s fine,” I roll my eyes. 

He rocks back and forth on his feet, his hands in his coat pocket. He’s still as handsome as ever, which I hate. Because it would’ve made leaving a lot easier. He still reminds me of the boy I fell in love with in high school. The one who was friends with everyone, always cracking jokes, was captain of the football team, but completely obsessed with superheroes. I never understood how he managed to stay true to himself and find ways to make it into other groups. Except now he’s all man. He’s taller, bulked up, scruff around his chin and eyes that have seen a lot more than this sleepy little town. 

“So you still want to go?” He nods his head toward his car, closer to the street, glancing back to make sure no one’s around. 

“Yeah,” is all I can manage to say. I turn off the car, grab my bag and take his hand as he offers it to me.

For now, we can pretend that this is something that isn’t.

For tonight, maybe the weekend, I can pretend he’s mine and he can pretend I’m his. I think we decided long ago that this would be in our best interest. 

“Hi,” he says, and everything around me stops. He pushes a piece of my hair back and kisses me softly on the lips. A reintroduction of sorts. But, suddenly, I need more. 

“Hi,” I say back, quickly before I grab a handful of his raven hair and grip it tightly in my fist, kissing him deeper and rougher than he probably intended. 

“God, I’ve missed you,” he whispers in my ear, moving his lips to my neck. Muscle memory is never far behind in moments like this, I suppose. 

“Shut up,” I tell him, catching my breath before letting my lips linger on his, soon his tongue parting mine. He sucks on my lower lip, taking his time. 

Before we lose control of ourselves, he pulls back and says we should probably head out - Our usual designated spot.

We don’t say much during the first half of the drive. We listen to the radio and add our commentary. There isn’t much to look at since night has fallen and we can only see a few feet in front of us. 

Julian drives cautiously through the winding roads that either look like something out of Twilight. Or probably more Blair Witch Project. 

It’s always been our spot. Away from the city, away from everyone in our town - anyone who would find us out. Even as teenagers who thought we’d spend forever together. 

We’re just far enough out of town. There’s a mini mart in the distance and a few streetlights, but otherwise darkness for miles around. 

He pulls his keys out of the ignition and it’s just us. I can feel my heart beating out of my chest. Julian knows his way around my body. We’ve been together (off and on) since we were 16-years-old. You don’t forget someone like that. He knows what drives me crazy in the best way. I know exactly what buttons get him going. 

Before he has a chance to say anything, I climb over the console and straddle his lap. He slips one hand under my shirt (or rather his), and then another. 

“You’re wearing my shirt,” he breathes against my neck through kisses. “Tonight, you’re mine, okay?” he grunts possessively. 

“Only yours,” I say back to him, breathlessly.

We have to get a little creative with angles being that it’s in a tight space. Eventually, after what feels like a lifetime, we come up for air after making out like we did as teenagers. I don’t say anything, but go back to my side of the car, buttoning up my shirt. 

Then, we’re talking like we were years ago, when he was my best friend - The one I went to for advice, the one I told my secrets to, the one who always knew me better than myself, the one who will always know me better than anyone, no matter what happens next. 

“So then I told him he was going to have to get his own coffee if he ever wanted to see the light of day again,” I told him about my first day on a movie set. It was one of the assistant directors, who was being a total

“I always knew you’d be able to handle yourself, no matter where we end up,” he says. 

“I’ve always had a good support system that reminded me I could,” I give him a smile, although he can most likely only see the outline of my teeth. 

We catch up on our dreams, our hopes, dating stories we’ve encountered since the last Christmas we’d spent together. He updated me on the guys he coaches on the high school football team – Our former high school. He played college football and did a year in the NFL before an injury completely set him back and he decided Pine Creek was the best place for him to be. Every once in a while, he’d take commentator opportunities, but he decided he didn’t want to leave the town again. This is where he was meant to be. 

“I really think the kids are going to make the state championship! They’re absolutely cut out for it this year.”

“That’s amazing — And when did we become so old to call high school students kids?” I cringe and a deep laugh escapes my throat. Who are we now? 

“Right? We’re probably the age our parents were when they had us. We’re, like, actual adults.”

My time with Julian is the hardest I’ve laughed in ages. It was always like that with Julian. I never had to put on an act. Even when I tried, he saw right through me. I never let myself think about home or Julian when I’m in LA. Because I know it hurts too much. I remember every time I open up the wound and pour the salt right in. 

“Why did we break up?” I find myself asking, touching my lips still raw and swollen. 

“I ask myself that a lot. In between these hookups and seeing other people, it always leads to you and our hometown.” He stops and turns the radio off, and runs a hand through his hair, like he always does when he’s nervous or doesn’t know what to say. 

And then he speaks again, “Look, you were destined for bigger things than this town, bigger than me. I could never give you the life you imagined. You’re really going for it, like you always talked about. That’s not me. I know myself well enough to know that I can’t support you in all the ways you need someone to. You need the one who knows what your world is like and won’t cower in the corner from the intensity of it all.” 

I wish more than anything that he was the guy, and I tell him as much. 

“You have no idea how badly I wish I was that guy.”

There’s nothing left to say, so without asking he puts the car in drive and we go back down the road we came. 

The radio plays softly in the background, 

“Look, the heart I know I’m breaking is my own…” I tell him, not expecting him to say anything back. “I’ll go back to LA and my friends will probably just end up writing books about me, if I ever even ‘make it,’” I use quotation marks with my fingers, knowing how far-fetched the whole thing is. 

“You’re the only one who ever knows which smiles I’m faking,” a tear drips down my eye

“I’ll still always know. You know where to find me, no matter what,” he reaches for my hand across the console and gives it a reassuring squeeze. “And they will write the books about you because you WILL make it out there.” 

I held onto his hand but stared out the window on my side. 

The ride ends much sooner than I wanted it to and we’re back in the parking lot we started in. I know what comes next after I step out of the car. And I wonder if I’m strong enough to do what I know needs to be done.

“I’m so glad I got to see you,” he tells me and brushes a strand of hair back from my face. 

“Me too,” I say, barely above a whisper. 

“Will you text me when you get back to LA?” 

“Sure,” I nod. 

And then he gives me a kiss on the forehead before I open the door and do my best not to break down right there. Our lives have been so entangled for…As long as I can remember. How do you just move on from that? 

I guess you just have to take the first step. So, I do. 

He waves to me through the window and I watch him drive away until his car fades away completely in my rearview mirror. But, I’m still frozen in my car, sitting in the parking lot.  I lean on the steering wheel where I burst into tears for the next hour. Because this time goodbye really means goodbye.

`Tis the damn season…

***

ONE YEAR LATER….

I’ve just survived my first official red carpet appearance for my first starring role in a feature film. It happened! I don’t know how long any of this will last, but I’m riding the wave as long as I can. 

After years of being in Los Angeles, countless auditions, thousands of closed doors and rejections, the last year has allowed me callbacks and projects I’ve only ever dreamed of. I’m still a long way from being the next Julia Roberts or Audrey Hepburn, but it certainly feels like the start of something. 

I let out a deep breath as I made my way through the theater lobby where my publicist, Janine, was waiting for me. 

“You did great!” she gave me a thumbs up, not looking up from her phone. “The reviews keep rolling in and everyone loves you.” 

“Really?”

She guides me to my seat in the theater and stands in the aisle, still enthralled with her phone. 

“Yes, really! I’ve been doing this a long time and your career is looking very promising. Let’s schedule a time to meet this week to go over your next opportunities. But, for tonight,” she looks up and grabs my shoulder, “Soak in this moment and enjoy yourself. I’m going to step out in the lobby and make some calls, but I’ll meet up with you at the after party.” 

With that information, she turns on her heel and I’m in a row with the rest of the cast. I made small talk with a few of my costars I was close with, then pulled out my phone (a nervous habit I need to break). 

Julian’s name shows up on my screen. 

You looked beautiful on the red carpet. I’m so happy for you, and I know your real smile when I see it. I’m proud of you. —  J 

He’ll always be part of my life, my past, where I’ve come from. He’ll always be there in the future if I need him, but I don’t want to keep relying on that. I want to create my own life.

Last I’d heard, he was seeing a girl who’d recently moved to town and they seem to be doing well. I’ve been on a number of dates myself. We talk here and there, updating each other on big moments in our lives, but some things just don’t last forever. That’s life. 

THE END.

“You’re quiet tonight,” Adam reached for Rachel’s hand. “Was your day okay?"

She paused a moment, her stomach in knots, but she had to say something. She crossed her arms instead of holding his hand. She couldn’t take it anymore.

They hadn’t even eaten dinner together tonight. Instead, he’d called her from the pay phone to meet her at the corner of 18th and Cornelia St. Even then, they were always looking around to see who was passing them by. More Adam than Rachel, as usual. She was ready to be done with the secrecy. It had been gnawing at her for months — she wasn’t this kind of girl, and she’d let him turn her into that kind of woman.

“How long are we going to be able to keep this going? I mean really. We both knew from the beginning this wasn’t going to be forever,” she found herself word vomiting to Adam. She’d tried to tell herself otherwise, but there was too much at stake for him with his company, his family, his reputation. “Or I should have known,” she muttered to herself.

“What’s gotten into you?”

“What do you mean? Look where we’re standing right now,” she gestured to the New York City alleyway they were standing in — dark and rainy from the storm that had just passed.

“Why can’t we just enjoy tonight? Be here, right now?” He tried to nuzzle his head into her neck, but she pushed him away before he had the chance.

“No, I’m serious, Adam. We’ve had enough of that,” she backed up from him again. “You’ve been giving me nothing but excuses for too long. You’ve told me you’ll leave her, you’ve told me that I’m the love of your life. But, everything we’ve been doing says otherwise. We’re sneaking around the office, I’m meeting you in parking lots now. What happened to those nights and mornings at The Ritz, huh? Jetting off to all of these other countries, some I’d never even heard of...Feeding each other breakfast in bed and lounging on the deck of your boat watching the sunsets in California.”

“Baby, we’ve talked about this,” he pushed her brunette hair back behind her ear, the way he’d done so many times before and kissed her cheek.

“No, don’t call me that. You don’t get to call me that anymore. You have turned me into this idiotic fool. All of my friends think so,” she scolded him, pacing around and around.

“Wait, you’re telling your friends about us?” He reached for her wrist, gently.

“Of course, I have. I’m not like you, I don’t have the rest of the world on my side when this blows up. And it has been two years of my life. I can’t just sneak off randomly and not have them question where I’m going. I won’t lie to them.”

“You should know by now I would never leave you stranded, no matter what comes out.”

“How would I know that? All you’ve ever given me are meaningless words and tried to buy me with designer bags and expensive trips.”

“You’re just a kid, you don’t understand...”

He was much older than her, they’d addressed that. But, it wasn’t something that came up often. He was far more experienced than her in many regards. In so many ways, he knew how to love her and romance her in ways that other men, or boys, didn’t know how to, and she’d melted right into his arms. It never mattered until they started arguing, then he would throw it at her, as if it were one of her weaknesses.

“Look at this godforsaken mess that you’ve made me,” she blubbered, mascara dripped down her face, as she buried her face in her hands, and sat on one of the doorsteps they’d run into. “I was never this girl before you. I never loved anyone until you.”

She was gasping for air when he quieted her and tried to make it all better with another one of his magical kisses, tilting her head back and her losing her breath anyway.

+++

It hadn’t always been this way. She’d lied to herself from the beginning, knowing full well he was who he was

He’d seemed like he only had eyes for her for months before it became anything.

It officially started with a glance, the stare Adam stole from her, from across the room. It was their company’s Christmas party with some of the biggest names in business and entertainment, clients they worked with - the PR firm Adam started just out of college had now turned into a national corporation, working with others all around. Next year they were even talking about going into international. Anyone who was anyone was in that room. She’d been honored that she was there.

She knew he had quite the reputation, but logic usually had no say in matters of the heart. She’d learned that much. He was a silver fox - he’d been voted “Sexiest Man Alive” on multiple occasions for multiple media outlets. He was no bachelor by any means, but he still had that certain je ne sais quois, if you catch the drift.

Rachel had the biggest crush on him, but that’s all it was. They’d been in a few meetings together, they’d had a few conversations - some business, mostly personal and they’d had a lot of laughs with one another. She’d laughed at all of his jokes, like he was some comedian giving a standup routine in a

nightclub, they’d bonded over films and older music, talked about travel and their backgrounds. She felt she could trust him and started turning to him for advice - both personal and professional.

Rachel was talking to a group of colleagues when Adam walked up to her, not caring that she was in the middle of a conversation with others.

“Mind if I have a chat with our Rachel, here?”

They all shrugged and walked away.

“Is everything okay?” She asked him.

He had those classic and timeless features, like a mixture of Cary Grant and Marlon Brando with a hint of George Clooney. And she’d been a goner from the first time he looked her way.

“Let’s go somewhere else to talk,” he mentioned quietly, leading her down the hall. He glanced in rooms, nonchalantly waving and nodding to others as he walked by.

She worried it was something about her position or the marketing campaign she’d been helping him with for a travel agency in Hawaii.

They kept walking down the hall until he opened the door to an empty room in the back. He ushered her in and shut the door behind them.

He leaned on the table and welcomed her to make herself comfortable. She sat on the edge of the couch, waiting to hear what he had to say.

“I am so impressed by you, Rachel,” he smiled.

It took her breath away. She hadn’t even known if he’d remember her. Important people like that didn’t seem to remember their employees, even they did seem to work with them on a daily basis.

“Thank you,” she sweetly replied, with a bit of flirting. “I’ve really enjoyed your leadership and working on this team.”

“I don’t just mean your work, I hope you realize,” he replied. “You have one of the brightest spirits I’ve ever been around, you make me laugh, you’re stunning, brilliant. I could go on and on. But, I wanted to see where you are.”

He stepped in closer, seeing how she reacted. He noticed her eyes were full of hope and eagerness. Her heart was beating out of her chest with a longing she’d never experienced before.

“Oh,” she said, when she realized what he had brought her in for. She had hoped for this moment and she found herself so nervous as he walked closer to her, running his hand along her arm.

“Are you okay with this? I don’t want to do anything you’re uncomfortable with,” he told her gently and stepped away. “I would never hurt you.”

She was at a loss for words. Butterflies and other yearnings were swirling around in her. “I want this,” she told him boldly.

Soon, they were making out, breathlessly holding one another, which quickly escalated to far more. His hands on her thigh, in her hair.

His lips on her lips, her neck, her shoulders...

They came to a stop and collected themselves. She smoothed out her hair, pulled her cashmere sweater over her head again, while he buttoned up. She pulled out her cell phone for the camera and fixed her lipstick that had smeared, and touched up her foundation and powder.

“I certainly wasn’t expecting that,” she smiled, “But, wow...”

“I think I’m falling for you, Rachel. I want to spend time with you. I don’t want this just to be a one time thing.”

“I’ve had the biggest crush on you since I started here,” she admitted.

“You are adorable,” he smiled and ran his hand across her face as she leaned into it.

+++

And it wasn’t just a one time thing. The next few months were a complete whirlwind. Which turned into a year. She was drunk on love, losing parts of herself as she went, trying to believe that the sweet nothings he’d whisper in her ears were promises to hold onto forever.

He romanced her with lavish gifts, extravagant meals in exotic places, dining in the fanciest restaurants with only the two of them.

Tangled in sheets.

Champagne toasts in other countries near landmarks she’d only seen in travel magazines. Secret meetings in hotel rooms.

Escapades in conference rooms.

Long phone calls late into the night.

But, even though they were together all the time, it was always done with precision and caution, mostly on Adam’s end.

She soon found out why.

“I’m married,” he blurted one night as they were strolling the streets of New York City — through Central Park and around.

“You’re what?” She dropped his hand and turned to face him, only seeing his outline by the glow of the streetlight.

“We’ve been separated, so I didn’t really think to tell you. I wasn’t expecting to fall in love with someone else.”

“Fall in love?” She questioned him.

“Yes, fall in love,” He repeated and kissed her fully and completely, like he wasn’t holding back anymore.

She’d tried to distance herself from him as best as she could with the information she’d been given, but by that time she knew she was in too deep. She didn’t answer his calls, she didn’t meet with him when he asked her to. But, when he showed up at her apartment with flowers, begging for forgiveness, like something out of a movie, it was hard to turn him down.

Instead, she invited him and it was a repeat of the beginning of their relationship. Kisses, laughing, feeling like two teenagers in love, all behind closed doors.

And, so began the vicious cycle they’d always fall into. She’d feel so small like she’d never mattered to him, he’d apologize and romance her, buy her something only his money would buy, and then she’d find herself in tears again. Heartbroken. Wondering if this was actually what true love felt like.

+++

Now, here they were two years later, still in the same boat. Adam wasn’t with his wife, but he hadn’t fully committed to Rachel either. He’d been stringing her along all this time, but she’d had enough. Her heart couldn’t keep doing this. She was becoming a version of herself that she, not only no longer recognized, but that she couldn’t stand.

“Adam, I don’t know if I’ll ever discover another love like ours. I’m not sure how I feel about that, to be honest, but I deserve more. We both do. Your wife does,” she threw her hands up in exasperation. “God, I can’t believe that I could be so dense to believe that you would ever leave her. You don’t know what love is. You say it all the time, but you don’t.”

“Rachel, you know that’s not true,” he tried to convince her, but he couldn’t even convince himself as the words came out of his mouth. “It’s just...Complicated.”

“And it will always be complicated for us, until you rip off the band-aid. We both know you’re never going to.”

“Rachel...Just, give me time to figure this out.”

“It has been two years, Adam. You’ve had nothing but time in two years and you have done nothing with it. I won’t live my life in secret anymore. You should be able to go about your life however you want, but rewrite it without me in it.”

She took off the necklace and the rings he’d given her and handed it to them.

“We are finished, Adam,” she stood on her tiptoes and kissed his cheek, wiping the tears away from her eyes as she left him alone on the sidewalk, not looking back.

That’s the thing about illicit affairs...They always catch up to you. There’s always a price that someone has to pay.

THE END.

Janessa walked out of her apartment complex on Bedford Street in Greenwich Village. Technically it wasn’t hers - she was just staying with a friend while she figured out her life. She’d gone through a recent breakup and wanted to start over.

She might move back to Los Angeles or she might go back to school. She might download another dating…Eh, let’s not get that crazy. Lately, she was into saying yes instead of no. Seeing where life would take her.

But, it was the beginning of fall. And the beginning of fall in New York City always made it feel like something magical was about to happen. Like the intro of a Nora Ephron film. She felt just like Meg Ryan’s character in “You’ve Got Mail,” except she wasn’t talking to a Tom Hanks-like character through AIM. Things weren’t as simple as they were in the 90s. 

As she walked to her usual subway station to head to work, a guy she’d never seen before was waiting for his bus. He glanced over at her, and they shared a moment. There was something familiar about him. As if on cue, a leaf fell from the tree and landed on her boot. She smiled to herself, then looked back to the bus stop. The handsome stranger was gone. The bus was pulling away. 

Just my luck, she thought to herself. But, she shrugged, popped her earbuds in and scrolled to a Motown playlist she liked to listen to this time of year. 

Within minutes, and thankfully no transit breakdowns, she made her way through the subway concourse at Rockefeller Center. She worked in the production offices at 30 Rock. She was only an assistant for now, but she liked to think she was on her way to…something. 

First, she needed her morning caffeine fix. She opened the door to Starbucks as a guy around her age was walking out. They nearly bumped into each other. 

“I’m so sorry,” he apologized, trying to keep his coffee from spilling over. 

“It’s no problem,” she smiled and he smiled back. He held her gaze a little longer than the average person passing by, then continued down the street. 

It threw her a bit off balance, as she shook her head and stood in line. She didn’t need a menu, she ordered the same thing every day - a hot caramel macchiato with one packet of Splenda and almond milk. 

A chill ran through her as she pulled her black coat closer to her. It was no Marc Jacobs, like she’d been drooling over on the website for the last few months, but it did the trick on blistery mornings on her way to work. As she finished ordering, her phone rang. Her outdated iPhone out of her pocket. The screen was split where she’d dropped it just last week, but she couldn’t exactly afford a new one at the moment. 

Again, it would have to do, like a lot of areas of her life. These days, she’d been living in survival mode. On days when her head was above water, she celebrated it. She no longer cried over the relationship that didn’t work out. She no longer waited for opportunities to come to her. She was taking back her life. 

“Nessa, I have the perfect guy for you,” her best friend, Karina, excitedly told her, before Janessa could even answer ‘hello.’ 

“Oh no, not the setup thing again,” she groaned. “I told you I’m done with men and dating and.." 

“This is different, though,” Karina encouraged, cutting her off. 

“How exactly?” 

“Just trust me on this. He’s artsy, he’s sensitive, he’s close with his family. Like, he could really be the one, for you, of course.”

Janessa picked up her coffee from the counter and walked outside again as the wind nearly knocked her breath out of her. She rolled her eyes and went on her way. Even through her earbuds, she could hear the foot traffic on the sidewalks, taxi cabs honking and the other chaotic rhythms of the city that made her feel alive. 

“Oh, please. I stopped believing about ’the one’ last year when Jason broke up with me.” 

“Well, I showed him a picture from your Instagram and Hayden was smitten with you.” 

“Hayden?”

“That’s his name.” 

“Which picture did you show him?” She asked, suddenly feeling mortified of the embarrassing amount of selfies she’d posted over the years. 

“The one of you with your niece and nephew. I figured it would really show him that you have good mommy capabilities someday.” 

“K, I don’t even know if I want kids,” she groaned, pushing the button for the seventh floor. "And why are you talking about him being the one when I haven’t even met him or seen him for that matter?"

“I just thought you could use a little pick-me-up. You’ve had a rough year. Wouldn’t it be fun to get all dressed up and put on a bright shade of lipstick and have somewhere to go?” 

“I can’t remember the last time I did that for something other than a work function.” 

“You can sooon,” Karina said in a sing-songy voice. 

“How soon is ’soon?’” She asked, mocking her friend’s voice. 

“Tonight! We are going to see Billy Joel at Madison Square Garden,” she squealed. 

“When did you turn 45?” 

“Ha ha,” she forced a laugh, “You know I’m an old soul, especially when it comes to music.” 

She hesitated and knew she was cracking. 

“I guess I could go. There’s nothing else going on…Except for that new episode of The Masked Singer.” 

Karina squealed in her ear which amped her up a little. 

“Ditch The Masked Singer. You know it’ll be all over Twitter before the night is over,” she told her. “We’re going to dinner beforehand, too. Ah! This is going to be so much fun.” 

“Listen, I just got to work, but text me the details for tonight. I’ll be there.” 

“That’s my girl. Will do! Bye.” 

What had she just agreed to? 

Later that night as she rummaged through her closet, she suddenly realized how badly she needed to go shopping. It was another thing she’d put on the back burner recently, as her attention was needed solely on her career. There were dresses hanging up that she’d had since college, and some even earlier than that. She cringed. 

She called Karina in a panic. 

“What’s up?” 

“I don’t have anything to wear.” 

“How is that possible? You must have something.”

“I promise you that I do not. When would I have needed a new outfit? 2016? Oh yeah, when I went on what I thought would be my last first date?” 

Karina heard the desperation in her voice and gave in with a, “Fine, I’ll be over in 20 to help.” 

“You’re the best,” Janessa threw her phone down on the bed and continued scouring through the mountain of clothes she’d now made near the side of her bed. She pulled up blogs and Pinterest for reference. 

True to her word, Karina was at Janessa’s apartment in less than 20 minutes. They were running out of time, so she didn’t bother knocking on the door. She just barged in. 

“Thank you so much,” Janessa stood in the middle of her piles of clothes in an old Harvard shirt and pajama shorts. 

Karina went straight to the closet to work her magic. She pulled a tight black dress, paired with a red peacoat and black shiny pumps and tossed them on the bed. 

“There you go! Now, get ready!” 

Janessa stood at the foot of the bed in awe, then picked up the items slowly. 

“How did you do that?” 

“I work in fashion, c’mon, it’s my job.”

“Yeah, but that has to be record time even for you.” 

“We’ll talk about my amazing skills on the way to the restaurant!” She started pushing Janessa towards the bathroom. “For now, you go get dressed and we’ll worry about everything else later! 

Janessa wobbled out of the taxi, as it stopped in front of The Bowery, trying to find her footing in the heels she never wore. 

“I’m really starting to rethink this whole thing,” Janessa started to turn back to the cab as it drove out of sight. “And I really shouldn’t have let you talk me into these heels. I never wear them."

“No, you don’t!” Karina pushed her back, so she couldn’t escape. “Hayden is really excited about tonight. And I think if you admitted it to yourself, you would say the same thing. Besides, those heels are hot!” 

Janessa knew she was right. She was looking forward to it. There was something about first dates that made the future feel like anything could happen. Like maybe he could be the one. It was a crazy idea, given her past, but she wanted to believe that there was something significant about the night. 

As they neared the restaurant, she saw him waiting in front of the restaurant, with Karina’s fella. 

She took a deep breath. She could do this. It was one night! 

He looked like he belonged in New York. A certain swagger and confidence as he threw his head back laughing and telling a story, with a lot of hand motions. He must have some Italian in him she imagined. 

“Hi, I’m Hayden,” her date for the night introduced himself, as she approached him on the sidewalk. 

“Hi, I’m Janessa,” she returned the favor. 

“Listen, I’m sorry about this whole setup. I know it’s really weird.” 

“No, don’t worry about it. I should be used to it with Karina over here.” 

“Did I hear my name?” Karina came back into the conversation. 

Both ignored her as they shook hands and it was like nothing she’d ever felt before. She’d always rolled her eyes at the idea of sparks and chemistry happening on first meeting or love at first sight. But, this…This just might make her believe in it. 

The group of friends were seated at a table almost 20 minutes later and ordered drinks. Janessa’s nerves subsided as she took a sip of her wine. 

“So, Karina and Max were telling me you work for NBC?” He asked, after they’d covered general opening conversation. 

“I do. Don’t get too excited, though, it’s nothing glamorous. I’m just an assistant for The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon.” 

“I think that’s wonderful. Everyone has to start somewhere. What are you hoping to do down the road?” 

“I’d really like to produce my own talk show,” she admitted. “I guess it’s kind of a lofty goal, but if someone is going to make it, it might as well be me, right?”

“Absolutely,” he smiled at her, and although it was just a one-word answer, she felt like he meant it. 

“And you’re a photographer for TIME?” she asked, already knowing most of his life story from stalking his Instagram page. 

“I do a lot of work for them, but I’m still mostly freelance. Wherever the wind blows, you know?” 

There was something so effortless and timeless about him. He had a style all his own - He wore a black vest paired with a dark green wool cardigan, slacks and leather Oxford shoes. He wore dark-framed glasses and his floppy hair fell just above the top of them. 

She and Hayden bonded over music from the 70’s and the latest headlines in the news. They talked about their families and how they spent their holidays. He talked about the events he’d worked, the people he’d photographed and interviewed through the years. He told her about his favorite spots in Manhattan. 

Once their dinner ended, the group took a subway over to Madison Square Garden for the Billy Joel concert. 

For the first time in far too long, she felt butterflies. She hoped that they’d fall in step with one another and he’d try to hold her hand. It was a little soon for that, but she could feel that intensity between them. 

Throughout the concert, they sang along to the songs they knew and swayed to the music they didn’t. They laughed among themselves at the people in the crowd, hoping to be spotted by Mr. Joel himself. Their hands brushed many times and finally, he just intertwined his fingers with hers. He looked over at her, their eyes locked and he kissed her out of nowhere. 

She’d never been one to kiss on the first date, but with him, she felt willing to take that risk. She closed her eyes and lost herself in that moment. 

This is it, she told herself. He’s the one. 

The music and his lips drowned out the music and the noise in her head trying to tell her all of the reasons it wouldn’t work out. 

Like many romances that happen in the blink-of-an-eye, it was a complete whirlwind. They spent most of their waking moments together, besides work and other obligations. In six-months, they burned brighter than some of the brightest stars in the galaxy. 

When they weren’t working, they were together. They ice skated in Bryant Park, they walked through Central Park as the leaves fell, sharing a pretzel and hot cocoa, they watched the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade together on Avenue of the Americas, they watched the sunset from the Brooklyn Bridge on Friday nights. They bonded over their classic films, like “West Side Story,” “The Philadelphia Story” and “Casablanca.” They celebrated each others’ work. They fought. They cried. They grew together. They felt distance grow between them. She ignored his calls. He’d show up at her door with a single rose and apologize. She promised to be more adaptable. And then they’d pretend it was all fine. 

Seasons changed. The cold, dry, barren months of winter wore off and bore heat, flowers, spring showers and sunny days. And once again, they reached fall. They’d deemed it their time of year. 

They had everyone fooled. But, that wasn’t the worst - they’d fooled themselves in the process. 

It was romantic. It was whimsical. It was like something out of a black and white film, but it wasn’t sustainable. While she smiled through their text messages from their earlier days when everything was hopeful, she could feel it all coming to an end. 

The magic she’d once felt was gone. She’d once loved the way he had opinions and ideas about everything and floated around to wherever his soul wandered, but now it only irritated her. He made plans on a whim, he changed his mind about everything every other week. And she never seemed to be in those plans.

It was as if her dreams were too small. She tried to tell herself it was just the honeymoon phase wearing off, but deep down she knew it was more than that.  

She walked home with her headphones in, listening to Frank Sinatra and Ella Fitzgerald. She hadn’t talked to Hayden in a few days and she was okay with that, it was probably better this way. They needed space. 

The lights of the apartment buildings and coffee shops on her street turned on as the sun set in the west. 

Janessa walked into her apartment. It was quiet. She hadn’t been here much by herself in the last year, but this time it felt okay. 

She dropped her purse and keys on the kitchen counter. Her phone rang in her jacket pocket as she did. 

“Hi, haven’t heard from you in awhile,” she answered. It was Hayden. 

“Let’s go to Rooftop Cinemas tonight,” Hayden called her one night after work. “They’re playing Roman Holiday." He did that a lot. He’d get an idea and they’d run with it. She rarely turned him down. 

That was his answer to everything. Escaping. Lately, it had become hers, as well.

So, that’s what they did. 

He met her in front of her apartment and off they went. 

Behind the screen on the rooftop was the New York City skyline. That was a grand gesture in and of itself. Maybe Hayden had the right idea after all. 

“This is such a classic, easily one of the greatest films of all-time,” she gushed, staring at the faces on the screen. Audrey Hepburn’s childlike manner lit up the screen. And Cary Grant was swoon-worthy as always. She signed and observed Hayden throughout her favorite scenes of the film. 

“That’s subjective. Some of the greatest films of all-time were never made,” he whispered with a smirk. “Besides, you know these movies aren’t exactly the most realistic. In everyday life, those two wouldn’t fall in love.”  

She knew it was true, but for some reason tonight it struck a different chord. It felt like a dagger. Was he just talking about the films or was it them? 

Lately it seemed that they didn’t sync together or agree on most things at all. She tried to convince herself it was a phase, but she knew it wasn’t. 

They walked back to her place from the subway station in silence. 

“I’ve been thinking…” she started, “I don’t think we should continue doing this, you and me.” 

“What?” He stopped and turned to her as they reached her street. It was still and empty, like a backlot on a movie set, with nothing but the glow of the streetlights above them. 

“We’re not one of the great loves of all-time,” she blurted. 

“Well, sure, any of those that did exist are over now,” he scoffed and moved back from her. 

“That’s what I mean,” she crossed her arms to keep herself warm as a breeze in the air blew. “You and I both know it. We’re just wasting time here.” 

“We’ve been having fun. I thought we agreed to that.” 

“Yeah, but…I hoped for more. And that’s on me,” she bit the inside of her cheek to keep the tears from her. She knew they weren’t meant for each other, but it didn’t make it any less hard. 

Hayden ran a hand through his hair. 

“Didn’t see this coming.” 

“Not at all?”

He was silent. 

“I guess I hoped you’d change your mind.” 

“Don’t we deserve better than that? Than this? Who we’ve been?” 

“So that’s just it, huh?”

“If my wishes had come true, it would’ve been you.”

She wanted to make it better, but sometimes life was just this way. No words or romantic gestures could ease the pain behind the breaking heart.

“Take care of yourself,” he waved goodbye and started to walk away.

“Hey, Hayden,” she called to him as she made it up to her doorstep. 

“Hm?” He looked back towards her. 

"You know it would’ve been fun…If you would’ve been the one,” she told him. 

“But, I’m not, am I?”

Janessa shook her head back and forth, with no response. There was nothing left to say.

He gave her a slight smile and waved.

“Goodnight, Nessa,” he waved. That was that.

She shook her head in silence and watched as he walked down the street, disappearing into the nighttime glow. 

“Hi,” she heard a voice to the right of her say. “Can I buy you a drink?” 

She’d been staring at the bar in front of her for a good 30 minutes now after she sat down at the counter.

She wasn’t even sure why she was here. All she’d asked the bartender for was a glass of water since she sat down. 

“No, it’s okay, I’m waiting for…” she started to say. But, she knew better. No one was coming - this was the first time she’d realized she was actually on her own. 

Maybe she came to torture herself by feeling close to him. It was where they’d had their first date, it was where they spent a lot of time, since it was just around the corner from the house he’d bought. It was where they’d made a lot of plans. Talked about the future. 

Actually, he did most of the talking about the future. She just nodded her head, a knot growing every stomach, each time. 

“I’m not waiting for anyone,” she admitted to the stranger, twirling the straw in her ice water. 

“You seem like you’ve had a day. Let me at least get you something stronger than a glass of water.” 

She finally made eye contact with him. He was attractive. Dark brown hair, scruff, and he seemed nice enough. 

Although, that was usually how it started.  

“Sure, why not?” She agreed. 

One drink never hurt anyone. Alright, that was a lie. But, it couldn’t hurt right now. 

He called out an order of two drinks she’d never heard of before to the bartender. 

“So were you hoping someone would show up?” the stranger asked her.  

“Uh, no, not exactly,” she stuffed her hands in her pocket and felt for her phone. “I mean, yes, but I didn’t invite him.” 

“You’re not giving me much to work with,” it was his version of flirty she imagined. 

“I’m sorry,” she forced a smile. “I just…really screwed up. You ever done that before? Just do something that you know as soon as you do it, you won’t be able to take it back? That you just set the tone for the rest of your life?” 

“Wow, that escalated quickly.” 

“I’m sorry, I’m probably not making much sense. See, this is why I shouldn’t drink.”  

“Stop apologizing, I’m the one bugging you.” 

The bartender slid the drinks down the counter and threw in an “enjoy” for good measure. 

She held the drink up to her nose and took a whiff. 

“Does this have moonshine in it?” She cringed and made a face. “I feel like I’m drunk already from the smell.” 

“You really don’t know how to handle alcohol, do you?” 

“Just another thing I’m not good at, I guess.”

“Nah, hey, it’s fine. It’s an acquired taste,” he took a swig of whatever he was drinking. 

“What’s in your glass?” 

 “An old-fashioned. Pretty basic, I know. But, some nights just call for something you can count on.” 

She could relate to that. That’s why she was here after all. 

“Listen, I promise this isn’t a line…But, I’m a great listener and you look like you could use someone who will listen to your side of the story. Wanna tell me?"

She finally took a sip of the Apple Pie Moonshine in front of her and started to gag. 

“After that, I’m really ready to spill all of my secrets,” she winced again and paused. Bar Stranger laughed at her.  

“But, to answer your question…I’m here because I didn’t really have anywhere else to go. No, that’s not true. I have a home, that’s not what I mean. But, in a way I feel homeless, because the person that I considered home and I …we broke up.”  

“Ouch,” he finished off his drink. “I figured it must’ve had something to do with that.” 

“We met in college. We were friends and classmates, then we graduated and met up again when we were working in Los Angeles. We were at different companies, but we’d run into each other at networking events. We both wanted to end up back on the east coast. We started dating and that was that. We moved back a few months ago and everything was perfect. He fell in love with me and I…put up a wall.” 

She took a few more sips of the moonshine drink. And she was starting to feel it now.  

“Hmm…” the stranger was still listening to her every detail. “Why do you think that is?” 

“I’ve never loved anyone like him. I’ve never let anyone in like him. But, as soon as he started saying things like ‘I love you’ and planning a future with me, I saw it falling apart. I saw him leaving and us parting ways and everything breaking, the way things usually do. And I didn’t want that, you know? So I did what I do best, which is run.” 

“Maybe now’s your chance to start over…” 

Starting over? Alone? Something about it felt wrong. This wasn’t the ending the story was supposed to have. They WERE supposed to be together. She had hoped for that from the beginning, but panicked when it came. 

“No,” she said aloud. Now, the alcohol made her feel empowered. She’d probably regret that tomorrow. 

Her words can shoot to kill when she’s mad or nervous. 

“No?”

“No. I mean, I don’t want to start over. Or if I do start over, I want it to be with Sam.” 

 “Do you love him?” 

“Yeah,” she smiled. She knew it wasn’t just the alcohol talking. She knew that before, but she was stubborn and she was scared. But, she couldn’t stay there. 

Her mind was racing and so was her heart. 

“You only get so many shots in life. Take it from me. I’ve screwed up more times than I can count. And you don’t always get the chance to make it up. If you still have the opportunity, I say go for it,” he stared at his nearly empty glass and shrugged.  

“Thank you for the drink and for the pep talk. I think I know what I need to do,” she said, taking one more sip from the glass in front of her. 

 “Nice meeting you,” he smiled. 

“I’ll take another,” she heard him call to the bartender as she walked to the front door. She said a silent prayer for him that he would find what he was looking for. She also prayed a prayer of redemption and forgiveness - hoping that the conversation she was about to have would be enough for a second chance. 

Harper stood at the edge of the walkway that led to the front porch of his house. She’d stood there many times before, but it had never felt like this. Normally, she had butterflies in her stomach, anxiously awaiting to see him. But, she’d made a terrible mistake.

He said he loved her. 

She loved him and she was terrified. 

So she ran.  She didn’t say anything back. But, that wasn’t the real issue, as she’d told Bar Stranger just an hour ago.  

No one had ever said they’d fallen in love with her. And especially not someone like him. She didn’t deserve him. 

Sam. The very thought of him now made her heart ache.

It had been weeks since she’d seen him. 

Every night, she picked up her phone to text him. To call him and hear his voice. And every time, she talked herself out of it. She’d been such a fool to let him go. Now, he was a flashback in a film reel of all of the regrets she had. That wasn’t where she wanted it to end, though.

The cloudy skies had turned uglier and thunder rolled in the distance. The rain started to pour down as she walked, faster and faster down the street. She’d  forgotten her umbrella. This was what she deserved. Looking like a soggy rat if she did see him.

Standing at the edge of the path to Sam’s doorstep, she felt the burn from the moonshine on her tongue. She knew she shouldn’t have had anything to drink, let alone something that strong. She was a lightweight. But the guy at the bar offered to pay for it and she felt flattered. It was stupid.

As soon as she took a sip from the drink paid for by a complete stranger, she felt nauseous. She kept drinking, sip after sip. Hoping to numb the pain, but it only pulled up to the surface, stronger than before.  

She walked up the walkway, then back down. She sat on the curb, then turned back to his porch…As she started to walk away for the last time, she heard the door open.  

“Laney,” he said her voice and she felt seen. She felt like a treasure. Like she’d come home again. “What are you doing here? The weather is terrible. Did you walk here?” He peeked outside and stepped on the porch. Rain dripped from the house and a mist was still in the air.  

“I was around the corner at that bar we used to go to,” she kicked her feet against the pavement. “Some guy at the bar, whose name I still don’t know, bought me a drink and I started telling him about us. And I realized I just can’t do it anymore.”

At the very sight of him, the knot in her stomach tightened. Nothing about him had changed. It hadn’t been long, but he still looked so good. His dark waves made his green eyes stand out and it looked as though he hadn’t shaved in a couple days with the stubble on his chin coming in thicker. He wore a black sweater and dark jeans. And just as she suspected, he stepped on the porch in his bare feet.  

Sam crossed his arms, trying to stay warm, not saying anything. His eyes were glassy, but he didn’t take them off of her. 

“What can’t you do?” 

“I can’t keep pretending that I’m fine or that you meant nothing to me, Sam. I can’t keep pretending that I’m stronger than this and that I don’t need anyone. Especially you. It was always supposed to be you and me…And…”  

She was still trying to find the words. She felt light-headed and couldn’t quite think straight.  

“I’m sorry, but this is me trying, okay? It’s not perfect. It’s not from a Hollywood director or writer, but it’s me. Standing in front of you, hoping that you haven’t changed your mind. Or that you’ll let me be the person I should have been from the start. You were everything…You are everything to me. No one makes me laugh harder, no one makes the ordinary every day tasks more exciting than you. And I never even thought I’d be the kind of person who could fall in love and it’s your fault,” she explained through her tears. 

She tried to wipe the tears away as mascara smeared on her hands. 

“You walked in this storm to say all of that?” His voice was soft and he walked down the steps, closer towards her. Bare feet and all.  

“Yeah,” she nodded, meeting him in the middle of the walkway. 

The rain was still pouring down as she wrapped her arms around her waist to stop from shaking. 

“And why is that?” a bit of a smirk slid across his face. 

“Because I love you. I have loved you for some time now and I wish I could have just said it sooner.”

“Yeah?”

She just nodded as he held her in his arms and kissed the top of her head.  

“But, then we would have missed this grand cinematic gesture,” he teased. “And you said you didn’t have any help in that department.”

“I’m sorry, Sam. I’m sorry that I hurt you and that I walked away…” 

“Shh..” He pulled her closer to him. “It’s okay. Because love isn’t about the return policy or what you get out of it. Love is something you choose. It’s something you give because you want to. I loved you regardless of whether you loved me or said it back to make me feel better.” 

For the second time, she had nothing to say. 

“I still love you, Harper. I always will.” 

The rain stopped, as if on cue, but Harper was still shaking from her wet hair and clothes. 

“Let’s go inside. You want some coffee to cure that moonshine hangover you’re going to have in a bit?”

“How did you know?” She put her hand up to her mouth and breathed against it. It was still pretty strong.

“Are you kidding? I smelled it the second I made it down here,” he stuck his tongue out in disgust. 

“Oh stop,” she playfully slapped his arm.  

“But, I will take that coffee,” she held onto his hand as he led her inside.  

The door closed behind them on the porch, but another one was opening in their relationship.